BS"D
LATEST UPDATE…(Post Shavuos)
Wed., June 25/ Sivan 22
We danced round and round in circles
As if the world had done no wrong
From evening until morning
Filling up the shul with song
Though we had no sifrei torah
To gather in our arms
In their place we held those children
The Jewish people would live on
I'm not one who has a lot of free time on his hands to sit down every so often to listen to music. But these words composed by the talented Abie Rotenberg- culled from one of the most beautiful and moving Jewish songs I have ever listened to, "The Man From Vilna"- were heard some time ago and came back to mind recently. (And compelled me, as well, to take out our Journeys IV CD to listen on a drive to the hospital to see Tzaddikel.) The song retells a story of a survivor's return- along with a few hundred others- to Vilna, in the wake of the horrific destruction of the Holocaust. As they enter the shul, a shout emerges from the crowd that it is Simchas Torah tonight, but no Sifrei Torah could be found—only a small boy and girl hiding in the Aron… And why do these words resonate so loudly in my ears now?
Let me take you back briefly to this past Shavuos. Needless to say, it was my first Shavuos ever staying by a hospital, and the first in quite a while where I would not be delivering any shiurim. And Shavuos, celebrating Matan Toraseinu, is indeed one of my favorite Yamim Tovim, a time where one tries pushing himself more than usual to tap into the incredible hashpa'a and siyata dishmaya in learning that HaKB"H sends our way at this time of year. Spending it in Haddasah Ein Karem, though together with my wonderful wife and son, was definitely not ideal for the learning goals I had initially set for myself. But it was, of course, Ratzon Hashem—and, when all is said and done, that is all that matters.
Our ratzon must be His ratzon: the two must merge, fuse as one-- that is the very best way to approach any day of the year. That is, in truth, the only way to approach each and every day of the year.
The Vasikin minyan Shavuos morning in the Chagall shul at Ein Kerem was filled with far fewer people than any other Shavuos Vasikin minyan I've attended in the past. But there was something quite special, exalted and sublime, about it: here was a group of people with who-even-knows what fears and worries plaguing their minds, doing their utmost to maximize their Yom Tov tefilla and his'orirus. In such an environment, a good-tasting cheesecake is the furthest thing from anyone's mind…
With about an hour left to the Yom Tov, I was on pace to complete a certain masechta in Shas that I was reviewing. And yet a strong feeling gnawed at me right after Mincha that, while I was still able to learn through the night and over Yom Tov, I hadn't really "shared" the Yom Tov inspiration with my beloved Tzaddikel. Yes, I spent time by his side in the ICU- even davened a bit with him right before the Vasikin minyan- but we hadn't tasted the sweetness of Shavuos together. Enveloped by such an inspirational Yom Tov and Matan Torah ambience, I was clearly missing the "va'yelchu shi'neihem YACHDAV"…And it really bothered me.
So I decided that it was more important to put down my gemara, to leave the end of the masechta for another time, and to head back to Tzaddikel. With an hour left to Yom Tov, there he was, lying in his incubator in the ICU, this adorable munchkin of a tzaddik with no stains at all on his ever pure and pristine soul, looking up at me with the sweetest and cutest eyes in the world… Yes, I had indeed chosen correctly-- we were going to say goodbye to this incredible Yom Tov together…
I picked up his warm, small body and embraced all of him, cradling him firmly into my chest. And then I rocked him gently back and forth. And I sang. No—we sang, father and son. "Yachdav" we looked out the window as the beautiful sun of the holy Shavuos was preparing to set, and we sang songs all about Torah. "Torah tzi'vah la'nu Moshe," "Lu'lei Sorascha," "Baruch Hu Elokeinu," "Toras Hashem Temimah"…-- whatever came to mind. A little bit of shuckling, a little bit of (a lot?) me going off key, and, yes, a bunch of tears…
The most difficult Yom Tov for me throughout the many painful years of infertility was undoubtedly Simchas Torah. You see, those who attend my shiurim know- and perhaps you even sense it from some of my writing- the greatest love of my life is Hashem's infinite Torah. There is such an overwhelmingly exhilarating experience of dancing with the Sifrei Torah as the Yamim Noraim and Succos wind to a close, conjuring an insatiable thirst to learn and know its sacred words and endless layers of meaning. I admire brilliance, treasure wisdom, and revere Torah scholars: Hashem has truly given us the greatest gift imaginable, and the more we learn, the more we grow to appreciate it and those whose very essence embodies its truths. But my simcha was always deficient, as I encircled the bimah with no child in my arms to learn with, to teach, to share the Torah's majestic beauty with…
G-d has now graciously given another most wonderful and precious gift. A gift to Klal Yisroel, one that we have come to know as Tzaddikel. So here I was, sitting and shedding tears in the pediatric ICU with my five month old son with whom I want nothing more than to learn with and teach Torah to, singing (with a tired voice, but with all that a neshama could muster) all the Torah songs that came to mind as Z'man Matan Toraseinu was coming to a close. And not knowing what the future will bring. Optimistic- yes. Constantly working on emunah and bitachon- I certainly hope so. But admittedly I sit here now as tears once again well up in my eyes- the eyes that many observers claim my son and I share- wanting NOTHING MORE IN THE WORLD than to learn Hashem's Torah with my dear son. To finish masechtos with him, perhaps journey through all of Shas together… (believe it or not, he's already been accepted to one of the best cheders in Yerushalayim—it's an interesting story for another time…), and to grow ever closer to HaKB"H as His loyal avadim- yachdav. Together. And to dance together with the awesome Torah on Simchas Torah, the time when we actively complete and thus celebrate the Torah given to us on Shavuos.
IY"H soon. Until then, I'll keep thinking back to this past Shavuos when I put down my beloved gemara whose completion was put on hold, to hold instead my little pure and untainted "Sefer Torah" that so recently came from his mother's womb having learnt all of the Torah before entering our world (Niddah 30b). I wasn't going to wait for Simchas Torah. I wanted to dance with a Sefer Torah right then and there.
And so I did. In the middle of an ICU of a hospital on the outskirts of Yerushalayim ir ha'kodesh. There I danced with all of my heart with a Sefer Torah named Tzaddikel.
We danced round and round in circles
As if the world had done no wrong
From evening until morning
Filling up the ICU with song
Though we had no sifrei torah
To gather in our arms
In their place I held a child, a tzaddikel
The Jewish people would live on
Thank you, HaKB"H, for the greatest Shavuos of my life. And thank you, all of the chashuv mispalellim for Tinok ben Aviva, for getting him where he is today and IY"H bringing him ever closer each day to a refuah shi'leima bi'soch sha'ar cholei Yisroel. We're really looking forward to Simchas Torah. Please join us in Yerushalayim.
Abie Rotenberg closes a different song on the same CD with the following words (about HaKB"H):
With but one word He can and will
Return us to our land
And how His love was always there
We then will understand
Why wait until then? Just open your dear eyes, heilig yidden, and you'll certainly see: HaKB"H never stops loving us, and incredibly and immeasurably so, for even a second. Far more than any dedicated parent could ever love a child. Let's do our best to appreciate that infinite love by doing our utmost to love, learn, and cherish His infinite Torah. And all the precious "sifrei Torah" he has endowed us with…
Thanks so much for taking the time. I was moved and inspired and wanted to share some of that inspiration. A brief medical update will be forthcoming IY"H. (But in a nutshell: Tzaddikel is now out of the ICU, B"H, but still in the hospital receiving, and also awaiting, certain treatments, and Rachamei Shamayim are still needed-- so please keep those fervent tefillos unabated.
May we only share in simchas and besoros tovos tamid.
Kol Tuv and much hakaras ha'tov, once again, for everything,
Eytan Feiner
