PINCHAS: TIKKUN HA’PEOR AND TIKKUN HA’BRIS

PINCHAS: TIKKUN HA’PEOR AND TIKKUN HA’BRIS

REVEALING BA’AL PEOR R’ EYTAN FEINER

Parshas Balak

At the point that depravity meets its nadir we find Ba'al Peor, an idol quite unique in its worship-- defecation for deification. The braissa quoted in Chagiga 16a (Avos d’R’ Nosson, ch. 37) relates that humans have three things in common with the animal kingdom: eating and drinking, piryah v'rivyah, and hotza'as re'e. While we can be mikadesh our eating, drinking, and piryah v'rivyah¹ throughout the year, explains R’ Shimon Shalom from Amshinov,² we can never really fully sanctify the act of going to the bathroom.³ Even on Yom Kippur, a day that entails complete abstention from food and drink as well as marital relations, we can never completely personify the celestial angels because of our necessity to excrete bodily waste.

That is why, continues the Amshinover Rebbe, Chazal⁴ declare that most tzaddikim die by cholei mei’ayim, bowel and intestinal problems. After all, tzaddikim surely sanctify all parallel acts to the animals;⁵ the only aspect thus remaining- and, therefore, the only means the mal’ach ha'maves has at his disposal- is closely related to being motzi re'e.

With this in mind, we could perhaps understand the flow of the gemara recorded in Nedarim 22a. The gemara relates that, "one who gets angry will be ruled by all sorts of gehinnom"⁶-- but it does not stop there. The statement continues, "and not only that [the gehinnom], but his intestines/bowels will also rule over him." What is going on here? The gemara seems to be implying that bowel trouble is worse than all sorts of gehinnom!

Based on the aforementioned, however, perhaps we can suggest as follows: One who becomes enraged will surely be punished in the future by the purging process of gehinnom. After all, becoming enraged is likened to actual avodah zara worship.⁷ But in addition, even in this world he will be constantly plagued by bowel problems, a sign intended to demonstrate that he has manifested his resemblance to animals by shedding his “da’as”⁸ and allowing his emotions to rule over, rather than be subjugated to, his intellect. If one is filled with fury and thereby ignores this particularly human quality, then HaKB”H will show him that even in Olam Hazeh he has, to a certain degree, shed his tzuras ha'adam and will be constantly reminded by this highlighted animal-like characteristic.⁹ He will have to pay the price not only in the next world, but even in the present one, he will have forfeited his lofty status as a tzelem Elokim.¹⁰

Hence, the purely animalistic side to all humans is best exemplified by the act of going to the bathroom, the one animal-like characteristic that can never be fully elevated above the mundane. Furthermore, the Ramban and Maharal both explain that our tzelem Elokim is manifest in that only humans can stand fully upright- thus emphasizing the seichel’s dominance over the entirety of the guf- in glaring contrast to the members of the animal kingdom. But yet, when man is motzi re’e, he first crouches or sits—because it is in the midst of excretion that he always demonstrates a resemblance to the inferior animals…

Only someone who has shed any semblance of inner sanctity, of an innate, lofty, human status, can center his godly worship on this public expression of his animal-like tendencies. This naturally leads us right up to Rav Chaim Shmuelevitz's well-known piece on Ba'al Peor (Sichos Mussar, Parshas Va’eschanan), in which he expounds on the idea of this idol's capacity to allow for total hephkei’rus, the utter shedding of all moral inhibitions.¹¹ One forfeits his exalted human status through such deplorable and depraved displays of allowing his animal-like side to completely take over.¹²

When the generation of those who stood at Sinai lived up to their description as the “dor dei’a,” however, they simply had no need to excrete bodily waste. They ate the heavenly manna- “lechem she’mal’achei ha’shareis ochlin bo”- which was miraculously absorbed within their system. When they acted like angels, they resembled these celestial beings even to the point that they consumed the identical food; and thus, like the angels, there was no need at all for animal-like hotza’as re’e.

Naming the Idol

1. Focusing now on the idol that stripped them of their dignity, we encounter the following difficulty: If we were now to select a name, a short title, perhaps, that, in lashon hakodesh, would successfully capture the essence of this deity, would we not then opt for one that focuses on this despicable public display of defecation? Indeed we might do so but we happen to find otherwise. And the name ultimately given surely warrants further scrutiny.

The appellation branded to this idol is that of Ba'al Peor. Its meaning? Rashi- based on the Sifri- commenting on Balak 25:3, avers that it is so named because they "reveal"¹³ the pi hataba'as and are subsequently motzi re'e. The title thus accorded the statue is not for the hotza'as re'i, the actual defecation- something that might have resulted in Ba'al Tzoah, Ba'al [Hotza'as] Re'e, or the like- but rather for the preceding act of "revealing" the pi hataba'as. This point is even more clearly articulated in Bamidbar Rabba (#23—and see Sanhedrin 60b) which records: "...ha’po’er atzmo l'ba'al peor- zo he avodaso," without any mention of defecation whatsoever. What exactly does this tell us about the true essence of the "Peor" worship?

Some background information is called for: How did so many Jews succumb to this depraved act? Surely such animalistic behavior must follow a process of gradual deterioration, the upshot being merely an outflow of some perverse harbinger. For this we once again turn to Rashi, this time focusing on his comments two pesukim later. Rashi –once again based on the Sifri- informs us that it was only during the ma'asei z'nus with b’nos Moav that the Moabite women were able to lure the men into worship of Peor. It was only once the men succumbed to z'nus that worship of Peor was able to materialize.¹⁴

Ma'asei z'nus are encompassed within the rubric of "gilui arayos." The lashon of "ervah" itself, explains the Maharal, is one of "gilui,"¹⁵ thus resulting in an act of "gilui she’bigilui."¹⁶ And what is "gilui?" The more something is mechusa and mutzna, covered and concealed, the more of a ma'aseh gilui that takes place. An act of z'nus, therefore, is essentially a display, a revelation, of that which is mutzna be'yoser. The violator is revealing too much of himself, specifically the area he is enjoined to keep especially mechusa; when revealed, there can be no recital of krias shema, no acceptance of ohl malchus shamayim, and no connection with HaKB”H through any verbal tefilla. Only on the heels of a gilui arayos do we ever find the baser gilui of a Ba'al Peor. Once the individual has already revealed his makom mechusa beyoser in an act of arayos, the worship of a Ba'al Peor- merely a continuation of this gilui, albeit on a more pathetic level- can take place. Ba'al "Peor." Yes, indeed, its worship essentially is one of revealing, an act of revealing made possible by, and merely a gradual deterioration of, the initial act of gilui arayos.

Rabbeinu Ephraim, an eminent medieval commentator on the Torah, writes that the four mentions of "Peor" in the beginning of parshas Pinchas correspond to the four expressions of sin associated with Peor at the end of parshas Balak. One of these is the z'nus with b’nos Moav. In light of the above, we can readily understand that the ma'aseh znus was much more than just another sin; it was, in fact, a cheilek of "Peor," an integral and necessary forerunner to its worship, and thus can naturally correspond to one of the four mentions of "Peor." The essence of both is, after all, one and the same: the notion of deplorable gilui, of sadly revealing that which is meant to remain hidden.

Based on this elucidation, we can readily understand the gemara (Sanhedrin 64a) that, while a gentile woman worshipped all the world's avoda zara but abstained from the abhorrent worship of Ba'al Peor, B'nei Yisroel fell prey to this disgraceful act. How is such a distinction possible? If we understand Ba'al Peor as an extension of the gilui of arayos, however, then it is quite feasible. The nachris, motivated purely by the petty pursuit of idolatry, was capable of refraining from such a pathetic display of her animalistic side. B'nei Yisroel, on the other hand- already ensconced in the lure of gilui arayos- merely allowed their level of gilui to continue degenerating to yet another- albeit baser- level. Once the prohibition of gilui arayos has been transgressed, a further revelation of one’s makom mechusa in a display of hephkei’rus might very likely be just around the corner.¹⁷

Enlightening Associations

2. Which land is forever characterized as "she’tuphei zimah," the place where gilui arayos was overly rampant,¹⁸ and upon which the pasuk "zir’mas su’ssim zir’masam" (Yechezkel, 23:20) was said?¹⁹ Mitzraim, of course, the land with a leader- the symbol of the people ("melech" read backwards is "kulam")- whose title is always that of Pharaoh.²⁰ And what is "Pharaoh?" The etymological root is pei/raish/ayin, the classical usage of the word "reveal."²¹ Quite interesting, then, that a country in which gilui arayos ran so rife is precisely one whose leader's title denotes the very act of "revealing."²² (Interesting, too, that the entire episode of z'nus with b’nos Moav was only made possible by the lure of flax, something that enticed the Jewish men because it reminded them of the flax in Mitzraim-- see the Maharsha's comment on Sanhedrin 106a, where the account of this episode appears.)

3. Chazal in parshas Balak seem to be turning our attention to the parsha of Sotah. Yalkut Shimoni cites the opinion that the place of z'nus was called "Shittim" because it could be read as "Sittim," an allusion to the sotah, the adulterous woman discussed back in parshas Naso. Similarly, the Ba'al HaTurim notes that "Shittim" shares the same root as in Naso: "...ki sisteh ishto..." What exactly is the sotah suspected of? A ma'aseh of "gilui arayos." And, as part of her punishment for this immoral act of gilui, we read of the kohen being "POREI’AH" (once again the same pei/raish/ayin shoresh) her head: "...u'phara es rosh ha'isha..." (Naso, 5:18), revealing the woman’s hair as a means of humiliation. Midah kineged midah. Gilui tachas gilui.²³

Even her drink is made from the "aphar"(ayin/phei/raish, the same osiyos as "parah," just intermingled…) of the mishkan, dirt obviously symbolizing the gashmiyus side to man, the purely animalistic component to our being. She has acted like an animal, highlighting her beastly side; her demise will therefore come through aphar, the material ground from which man arose before his lofty soul was placed within its confines. Chazal also liken her to a bi’heima when pointing out that her sacrifice will be one of barley-typical animal food- for she has performed a ma'aseh bi’heima. Her disgraceful act of gilui has rendered her animal-like, a befitting description for those culpable of blatant displays of gilui ervah.

4. Now let us rewind to the story of Yosef. Yosef is known to all as "Yosef HaTzaddik," the individual who upheld the yesod habris, who brought the koach of resisting z'nus into the world.²⁴ He was being enticed by... no, the Torah never tells us her name-- she is only known to us as “the wife of Potiphar.” That is ostensibly the only information we need to know. But even his name was not really Potiphar by that point any longer. His name had been changed earlier to "PotiPHERA," for, as Rashi (Miketz, 41:45- based on Sotah 13b) tells us, he had attempted to sodomize Yosef and became castrated as a befitting punishment. Sifsei Chachamim further notes that the inference is drawn from the lashon of "phera," the addition of pei/raish/ayin (meaning to reveal) onto his original name. Specifically because of his attempted ma'aseh z'nus- gilui arayos- he gets a “gilui" added to his name. It is by overcoming the seduction of the wife of such an individual that the koach of surmounting all attempts at gilui arayos could be brought down into the world.

Interesting, as well, is the prefix of "Poti," a term we only find in one other place. The shevatim ridiculed Pinchas as the ben "Puti" (spelled the same), referring to the enthusiastic level of Yisro's ("Putiel") idol worship,²⁵ in which he would fatten up the animal in preparation for an optimal sacrifice (Sotah 43a). So too, we might suggest, POTIphera symbolized the enthusiastic level of "gilui" that so dominated Egyptian life.²⁶ In fact, besides the generic "Pharaoh," it is the ONLY Egyptian person's name (excluding, naturally, that of Asnas- who, according to some opinions, was really Dinah’s daughter- who married Yosef²⁷) ever mentioned in the Torah in connection with the entire story of Egypt! Perhaps that phenomenon is meant to have us note that Potiphera himself symbolized what all of Egypt was really about. We need to know of no other names; this name itself alludes to what the essence of all Egyptians was based upon-- the notion of overwhelming and enthusiastic gilui. “POTI”phera. We'll hear only about "the daughter of Pharaoh," "the wife of his master," the butler and baker, advisers, etc., but never any specific names.

In contrast to a "POTIphera," Yisro- according to Chazal originally one of Pharaoh’s closest advisers²⁸- leaves the influence of “POTIphera’s” Egypt to become "PUTIel" (same prefix), one who channels his overwhelming enthusiasm into maximizing instead his avodas Hashem. An appropriate appellation indeed.

5. Yosef HaTzaddik is not the only one associated with bris milah. In fact, it is Pinchas/Eliyahu, the same individual according to many opinions,²⁹ who occupies the spotlight at the bris milah ceremony.³⁰ (Let us also keep in mind the opinion in Chazal- Bava Basra 109b- that Pinchas descended from Yosef who battled, and overcame, the yetzer hara of gilui arayos.³¹) Taking a quick look at the nusach appearing in siddurim, we notice that the mohel, early on, recites the first three pesukim in parshas Pinchas that recount the turning away of Hashem’s anger through the action of Pinchas. Yes, we're back to Moav. And, as Rashi had told us back then, the ensuing harsh plague was the "charon aph" of Hashem coming in response, primarily, to the worship of Ba'al Peor. (The Rambam, in fact, writes that "charon aph" is only used in conjunction with avodah zara³²- see Moreh Nevuchim, 1:36).

Interesting then, that at the bris milah ceremony- a ritual consisting of both a ma'aseh chaticha and a "PRIYAH" - we begin with mention of how Pinchas was mi’sakein not only the ma'aseh z'nus (tikkun habris),³³ but the ma'aseh of Ba'al "PEOR" as well. He was mi’sakein the acts of gilui, and thus we quote those very same pesukim at the outset of our ritual consisting of a chaticha coupled with a "priyah"- priyah mi’lashon gilui.³⁴ We then proceed immediately to the description of Eliyahu as the Mal’ach HaBris, for it was only through the ma’aseh of Pinchas concerning Moav that Pinchas 'became' Eliyahu, as seen from Pirkei D’R' Eliezer (ch. 47) and Targum Yonasan ben Uziel (parshas Pinchas, 25:12).

6. We fast-forward now to the story of Rus. Rus jettisons all ties to her past and opts instead to cling to Na'ami. Her colleague, however, is not able to break with her roots, feelings of her Moabite upbringing swelling within and holding her back. Who is this figure that is unwilling to rid herself of the tum’ah and

z'nus of Moav? “Arpah.” The exact same osiyos as "Paroah," the very same letters used to signify the concept of gilui, the very fabric of Moabite culture as well.³⁵ And what befalls her soon after? Chazal³⁶ inform us that, on her return journey, she was involved in gilui arayos- indeed a deplorable ma'aseh z'nus- and the ensuing offspring? None other than "GALYas," the notorious Goliath, lashon gilui…³⁷

Fascinating to note, as well, is the Zohar Chadash on Rus (79a- the B’nei Yissaschar cites a “medrash”), that before Rus converted and attached herself to Na’ami, her original Moabite name was none other than Gilis (lashon gilui)-- the name of a princess, after all, must encapsulate her nation’s essence... While Rus manages to tear herself away from her Moabite past and sheds her original name of “Gilis,” Arpah returns to that very same nation of their upbringing, and is quickly ensnared in a horrific act of gilui of z’nus that yields a “Galyas”… And the ‘intermingled’ osiyos of ”Paraoh”/”priyah” that comprised her name now unravel and reveal their true colors…

Peor. Pharaoh. Pri'as ha’rosh of the sotah and the accompanying Aphar. Potiphera. Arpah. The common denominator is one of gilui, an act of revealing that can tragically reduce man to animal-like status. It takes a sacred priyah of a milah ritual and other positive, sanctified acts of revealing to be mi’sakein the baser forms of gilui. But the general rule is Micha's declaration (6:8- just three pesukim after Bilaam and Shittim are mentioned by the navi), that the primary course of action is always one of "Hatznei’a leches im Hashem Elokecha." Hatznei’a leches- walk in a modest and concealed fashion-- and never b'galui.

No surprise, then, that the haftorah of this week’s parsha discussing Ba’al Pe’or ends with those very words…

TZADDIKEL'S BRIS KODESH- And New Name

BS"D

TZADDIKEL'S BRIS KODESH- And New Name

July 15/ Tammuz 12

Just a quick note tonight as utter exhaustion is beginning to set in—we'd like to thank all of you incredible yidden so very much for davening so fervently to help bring Tzaddikel to enter "briso shel Avraham Avinu" earlier today. Thank you HaKB"H for bringing us and Tzaddikel to such a monumental day, and for allowing everything to go smoothly.

Tzaddikel's new name? AVRAHAM YESHAYAHU- named after the heilig and 'meyuchad' Chazon Ish, zt"l, who literally changed the world with his remarkable combination of tzidkus, hasmada and true ameilus b'Torah, limud ha'Torah lishma, a powerful koach ha'tefilla, and selfless care and concern for every single Jew. Indeed there is naturally more to the story—but it will have to wait for another time…

And while I plan on calling him, "Avraham Yeshaya" (just as the Steipler Gaon referred to the Chazon Ish), my wife prefers "Shaya," or, better yet, "Shayala." (And it seems that she already has many relatives on her side). Go ahead and take your pick. But keep in mind that he'll always be Klal Yisroel's dear Tzaddikel…

As I must sign off now for the time being, kindly allow me to attach some Chiddushei Torah distributed at the bris earlier today. One piece is an entirely new ma'aracha of mine and elaborates upon Yosef ha'tzaddik and his ties to bris kodesh- and parshas Vayeishev- while the other is a revised piece I had written a while back on Pinchas and the tikkun of Ba'al Pe'or and the tikkun ha'bris (a major theme running through these current parshiyos.) Hope you enjoy.

May we only join in many simchas and share endless besoros tovos.

Kol Tuv always- and thanks again,

EF

Meet Avraham Yeshayahu ben Aviva !!!

Tzaddikels name is now Avraham Yeshayahu

BRIS Info!!!

BS"D

LATEST UPDATE…

Wed., July 9/ Tammuz 6

Lichvod all the chashuv mispallelim for Tinok ben Aviva:

The hour is late, I'm quite exhausted, and sleep is where I thought I was headed just a few moments ago. But then I asked myself how I could let the day pass without sharing the recent wonderful news with the most special mispallelim and holy neshamos to whom I feel so indebted—

With immeasurable hakaras ha'tov to HaKB"H, Tzaddikel's long-awaited bris will, IY"H, take place this coming Tuesday morning, July 15/ Tammuz 12 in Yerushalayim ir ha'kodesh. (Exact details will be forthcoming.) We'd love to see you all there.

Wow… To think I actually just wrote those words, words I've only dreamt about sharing for oh so long…Yes, B'ezras Hashem Yisbarach, Tzaddikel will enter briso shel Avraham Avinu next week and receive a formal kri'as sheim, getting a name that was so clearly divinely ordained. And yet…

And yet, he will always be Tzaddikel. Klal Yisroel's Tzaddikel. (He really has no choice in the matter—he's already got a beautiful Kiddush cup with "Tzaddikel ha'olami" engraved on its surface (a gift from a family friend), as well as several yarmulkas and clothing that all say Tzaddikel on them. Granted the latter two he will grow out of in due time...)

But, most unfortunately, once I have your attention I must also clarify the following: Tzaddikel still has a way to go. B"H he is home now and has his bris coming up shortly. This is more than incredible, miraculous perhaps. But his home is not just the 'normal abnormal' everyday of a newborn. Tzaddikel's room still has a number of machines filling its space; a professional nurse who spends the night in his room; his days are still filled with, sadly, a lot of pain and discomfort, the origins of which the doctors are simply unsure; and physical therapy, speech therapy, baby massage, etc., fill a major part of his (and our) day. Not to mention the endless phone calls and further research the situation demands.

There is a lot the doctors are unsure of. One of the reasons, in fact, why they have allowed Tzaddikel to come home is because they claim there is not much more they can do for him there. They openly admit that Tzaddikel is 100% in the hands of the One Above. They continue labeling him the "enigma," the "mystery child." When one of the top doctors we met in Haddasah Ein Kerem, a not yet religious Sephardi, read carefully through Tzaddikel's detailed file, my wife asked him what he learnt from the story with all its many intricacies and nuances. His response: "Mah ani? Mah anu, mah chayeinu?..." What am I, what are we, what's our life all about…

And he continued: "You know what your son's medical file taught me? That, when all is said and done, we really don't know much of anything at all…"

You know what? He is 100% right. But why does it take a Tzaddikel story to wake us up to this reality? Why don't we live with these thoughts day in and day out, I ask myself, when HaKB"H sends us messages all the time of how little we really know and how much we truly need Him.

So much of what's going on in the world today is way beyond our understanding. So much of what we observe on a daily basis in our own personal lives is far beyond explanation. With all that's been written and all that's been said, do we honestly think we have any sort of real grasp on "Tzaddik vi'ra lo, rasha vi'tov lo?" (Or on the gemara in Moed Katan (28a) contrasting the vastly different lives of two fully righteous Talmudic sages?)

Let's face it: Every day of our lives should be shouting at us those same words of that not yet religious doctor (drawn from the siddur), "Mah anu, mah chayeinu"… We can get lost all too often in the hustle and bustle of our busy lives, trying ever so harder to accomplish, to achieve—what exactly?

If we're growing and striving ever higher in ruchniyus, putting the bulk of our energy and efforts in spiritual pursuits, in Torah, mitzvos, and ma'asim tovim, then at least we have got our priorities straight. But, in the end, we still come back to the same question: Are we living for ourselves or are we living for the Ribbono Shel Olam? Because we're happy with ourselves when we do the Ratzon Hashem, or because doing and living the Ratzon Hashem is exactly what He wants us to be doing. There is one way to make it in life no matter what HaKB"H sends our way, no matter how many nisyonos, or of what level of difficulty, He decides to cast in our direction…

"Hashleich al Hashem yi'havcha vi'hu yichal'ki'lecha" (Tehillim, 55:23). Cast all your needs, your wants- everything- upon G-d, and He will sustain you… Life is quite rough at times, quite inexplicable way more often than we would like it to be. Throw yourself completely into HaKB"H's loving and caring hands, into His warm and all-encompassing embrace. He'll take good care of you.

He always does.

Is there any other way?

If we give of ourselves entirely to HaKB"H, surrendering to Him our wills and drives, wants and needs, while dedicating our lives to emulating His ways, then everything will be just fine. Better than fine. We simply don't need to always understand. We just need to trust Hashem with all we've got, and to know that He's always there, waiting for us to be held in His open and awaiting arms. Just as I held my sweet, adorable Tzaddikel so tightly in my arms on the couch today, lulling him to sleep after some pain and a prolonged cry, so too does our Father in Heaven want to do the same. For each and every one of us. Trust Him fully-- and then jump on board.

All of you chashuv and incredibly special mispallelim have brought about miracles thus far with your koach ha'tefilla, your tremendous mitzvos and ma'asim tovim, and your learning of Torah and accumulation of merits-- all on behalf of Tzaddikel. How could we ever thank you enough? You are individuals who care and cry for others, who give up of your precious time and energy for other members of the Jewish People. You are all incredibly special indeed. And we again humbly ask that, knowing the potency that your heartfelt prayers possess, please continue full speed ahead with that same koach ha'tefilla of the Klal, of so many holy Jews the world over uniting as one, to daven not only for Tzaddikel's refuah bi'karov, but for all of cholei Yisroel, for all of those in need of yeshuos and nechamos.

And why stop there? We're doing this because we care for others, for HaKB"H's dear children, the little tzaddikels in NICUs and PICUs the world over, the soldiers whose families are waiting oh so long for their return, for so many of HaKB"H's beloved children in need of one thing or another…

But let's not stop there either. Let's continue onward to the pain of HaKB"H Himself (kaviyachol). What about His kavod, His glorious honor, and all the horrific chillul Hashem in the world... Daven for the geula- for the Almighty and His honor- at least as much as you daven for others. Daven that HaKB"H restore the full honor and glory to His name and to His throne. May He listen to all the bleeding hearts and fervent cries, and bring an end to all suffering and a full redemption to His beloved Jewish People.

My pillow is really calling now. At this late hour, I just heard a faint cry from my little tzaddik in his crib. The pillow can wait. At least for a quick chapter of Tehillim. For him and for all of cholei Yisroel. And for HaKB"H to please keeping taking such great care of all of us. Thank you HaKB"H so very much—for the upcoming bris, for all of the holy neshamos You sent down to this world who daven so hard and want only good for others, and, most of all, for all of your perennial love, care, and concern, for each and every one of us.

May we join in only simchas and share only besoros tovos constantly.

Best wishes for abundant bracha and hatzlacha in all inyanim, and much hakaras ha'tov for everything,

Eytan Feiner

THE VERY LATEST UPDATE…

BS"D

THE VERY LATEST UPDATE…

Motzei Shabbos Kodesh, parshas Chukas, 2 Tammuz/ July 5

"Tzaddik ba l'ir." Believe it or not, the holy little Tzaddikel has finally come home...

Chasdei Hashem Yisbarach. With endless gratitude to HaKB"H for His endless rachamim, we would like to inform all of you chashuv mispallelim that Tinok ben Aviva has, after close to six months post birth, finally arrived at his home in the heart of Sha'arei Chessed on Erev Shabbos Kodesh, parshas Chukas.

Yes, his bedroom is well equipped with several machines and thus (temporarily) looks a bit like a hospital room, but IY"H, this new move (after three different hospitals and six different wards) will help bring him even closer to a refuah shi'leima bi'karov—bi'soch sha'ar cholei Yisroel. With all of Klal Yisroel's incredible and persistent tefillos, we're hoping that parshas Chukas- all about the mysterious red heifer- will further foster the speedy recovery of this mystery of a child…

(My favorite part of his bedroom? In the corner of a bookcase sit a few new seforim that a close friend of mine sent to Tzaddikel a while back. When I asked why he was sending our son seforim that he naturally wouldn't be able to use for some time, he responded: "When Tzaddikel becomes a gadol b'Yisroel, IY"H, I want to be able to tell people that I bought him his first seforim…" He then added: "And tell him that he now owes me one, so that when I come to him for a bracha many years from now, he'll let me in no matter what…" Okay. Whatever HaKB"H has in mind… We'll try to do the best we can and we'll let HaKB"H take care of the rest…)

What sits in my mind at this very moment?

Over twelve long years of waiting. Close to six additional long months of more doctors, hospitals, tests, procedures, and surgeries—and this time all for our son whom we had to helplessly watch in a lot of pain, a lot of the time. And he still has, unfortunately, plenty more to go to get fully better. But as my wife detached him from all machines and brought our adorable Tzaddikel in his cute Shabbos clothes to greet me outside for the first time in my life as I returned home from shul on Friday night- well, what is there possibly to say…

Thank you so very much Hakadosh Baruch Hu. Thank you for always being there, for loving and caring for us together with all of your children. Thank you for simply everything. We have no questions—just an overflowing hakaras ha'tov, and abundant love for You that could never be properly expressed.

Shabbos endows us with a neshama yi'seira, an additional (elevated) soul. Tzaddikel in my arms with his delicate head cradled against my chest endowed me with yet another. (And "istinis" that I am, I never thought I'd so much enjoy getting his spit-up all over my suit…)

I'll do my utmost to latch on to that special memory and all the memories of Tzaddikel's first Shabbos home. (We had a lot of fun discovering his affinity for sweet grape juice…) Each and every dear memory HaKB"H sends your way and blesses you with-- hold it close forever, cherish it, and always be makir tov to the best of your ability. Don't wait. Pour forth the thanks and insert that sincere hoda'ah right into your very next Shemonei Esrei—and then make it a part of all future tefillos as well.

There is so much more to write, so much bandying about in my mind that I'd really love to share… just a bit too hectic right now and the hour is quite late. But please, heilig yidden the world over, accept our most heartfelt thanks and hakaras ha'tov for all of your continued tefillos and good wishes. You're the ones who have triggered Hashem's mercy thus far, and we humbly ask that you please continue to do so until a full refuah arrives.

Regarding Tzaddikel's bris, IY"H—don't worry, I'll keep you posted… Depending on the mohel's p'sak within the next few days, we're hoping and davening that HaKB"H will allow us to bring Tzaddikel into briso shel Avraham Avinu sometime during the week before Shiva Asar B'Tammuz…whatever HaKB"H decides…And, yes, we're hoping you'll be there…

We're hoping indeed that all of Klal Yisroel will be here in Yerushalayim bi'karov. The despicable and horrendous terrorist attacks so sadly continue; this past week here, as you know, was very rough. But the geula is coming soon, IY"H. We all believe it and we truly sense it. Torah, tefilla, mitzvos, and ma'asim tovim—all built on a solid foundation of complete achdus, caring and davening for all of our fellow Jews. For all our soldiers to be returned soon to their families, and for all of HaKB"H's children to finally come home to Eretz Yisroel to celebrate the ultimate geula and the kavod of Hashem Yisbarach and His chosen nation like never before. Let's do our utmost to maximize our limitless potential in ruchniyus and never lose sight of life's true priorities.

Wishing you all only Kol Tuv always and hoping we'll only share besoros tovos in the days and years to come.

A Gut Voch, Shavua Tov to all,

With sincere thanks,

Eytan Feiner

LATEST UPDATE…(Post Shavuos)

BS"D

LATEST UPDATE…(Post Shavuos)

Wed., June 25/ Sivan 22

We danced round and round in circles

As if the world had done no wrong

From evening until morning

Filling up the shul with song

Though we had no sifrei torah

To gather in our arms

In their place we held those children

The Jewish people would live on

I'm not one who has a lot of free time on his hands to sit down every so often to listen to music. But these words composed by the talented Abie Rotenberg- culled from one of the most beautiful and moving Jewish songs I have ever listened to, "The Man From Vilna"- were heard some time ago and came back to mind recently. (And compelled me, as well, to take out our Journeys IV CD to listen on a drive to the hospital to see Tzaddikel.) The song retells a story of a survivor's return- along with a few hundred others- to Vilna, in the wake of the horrific destruction of the Holocaust. As they enter the shul, a shout emerges from the crowd that it is Simchas Torah tonight, but no Sifrei Torah could be found—only a small boy and girl hiding in the Aron… And why do these words resonate so loudly in my ears now?

Let me take you back briefly to this past Shavuos. Needless to say, it was my first Shavuos ever staying by a hospital, and the first in quite a while where I would not be delivering any shiurim. And Shavuos, celebrating Matan Toraseinu, is indeed one of my favorite Yamim Tovim, a time where one tries pushing himself more than usual to tap into the incredible hashpa'a and siyata dishmaya in learning that HaKB"H sends our way at this time of year. Spending it in Haddasah Ein Karem, though together with my wonderful wife and son, was definitely not ideal for the learning goals I had initially set for myself. But it was, of course, Ratzon Hashem—and, when all is said and done, that is all that matters.

Our ratzon must be His ratzon: the two must merge, fuse as one-- that is the very best way to approach any day of the year. That is, in truth, the only way to approach each and every day of the year.

The Vasikin minyan Shavuos morning in the Chagall shul at Ein Kerem was filled with far fewer people than any other Shavuos Vasikin minyan I've attended in the past. But there was something quite special, exalted and sublime, about it: here was a group of people with who-even-knows what fears and worries plaguing their minds, doing their utmost to maximize their Yom Tov tefilla and his'orirus. In such an environment, a good-tasting cheesecake is the furthest thing from anyone's mind…

With about an hour left to the Yom Tov, I was on pace to complete a certain masechta in Shas that I was reviewing. And yet a strong feeling gnawed at me right after Mincha that, while I was still able to learn through the night and over Yom Tov, I hadn't really "shared" the Yom Tov inspiration with my beloved Tzaddikel. Yes, I spent time by his side in the ICU- even davened a bit with him right before the Vasikin minyan- but we hadn't tasted the sweetness of Shavuos together. Enveloped by such an inspirational Yom Tov and Matan Torah ambience, I was clearly missing the "va'yelchu shi'neihem YACHDAV"…And it really bothered me.

So I decided that it was more important to put down my gemara, to leave the end of the masechta for another time, and to head back to Tzaddikel. With an hour left to Yom Tov, there he was, lying in his incubator in the ICU, this adorable munchkin of a tzaddik with no stains at all on his ever pure and pristine soul, looking up at me with the sweetest and cutest eyes in the world… Yes, I had indeed chosen correctly-- we were going to say goodbye to this incredible Yom Tov together…

I picked up his warm, small body and embraced all of him, cradling him firmly into my chest. And then I rocked him gently back and forth. And I sang. No—we sang, father and son. "Yachdav" we looked out the window as the beautiful sun of the holy Shavuos was preparing to set, and we sang songs all about Torah. "Torah tzi'vah la'nu Moshe," "Lu'lei Sorascha," "Baruch Hu Elokeinu," "Toras Hashem Temimah"…-- whatever came to mind. A little bit of shuckling, a little bit of (a lot?) me going off key, and, yes, a bunch of tears…

The most difficult Yom Tov for me throughout the many painful years of infertility was undoubtedly Simchas Torah. You see, those who attend my shiurim know- and perhaps you even sense it from some of my writing- the greatest love of my life is Hashem's infinite Torah. There is such an overwhelmingly exhilarating experience of dancing with the Sifrei Torah as the Yamim Noraim and Succos wind to a close, conjuring an insatiable thirst to learn and know its sacred words and endless layers of meaning. I admire brilliance, treasure wisdom, and revere Torah scholars: Hashem has truly given us the greatest gift imaginable, and the more we learn, the more we grow to appreciate it and those whose very essence embodies its truths. But my simcha was always deficient, as I encircled the bimah with no child in my arms to learn with, to teach, to share the Torah's majestic beauty with…

G-d has now graciously given another most wonderful and precious gift. A gift to Klal Yisroel, one that we have come to know as Tzaddikel. So here I was, sitting and shedding tears in the pediatric ICU with my five month old son with whom I want nothing more than to learn with and teach Torah to, singing (with a tired voice, but with all that a neshama could muster) all the Torah songs that came to mind as Z'man Matan Toraseinu was coming to a close. And not knowing what the future will bring. Optimistic- yes. Constantly working on emunah and bitachon- I certainly hope so. But admittedly I sit here now as tears once again well up in my eyes- the eyes that many observers claim my son and I share- wanting NOTHING MORE IN THE WORLD than to learn Hashem's Torah with my dear son. To finish masechtos with him, perhaps journey through all of Shas together… (believe it or not, he's already been accepted to one of the best cheders in Yerushalayim—it's an interesting story for another time…), and to grow ever closer to HaKB"H as His loyal avadim- yachdav. Together. And to dance together with the awesome Torah on Simchas Torah, the time when we actively complete and thus celebrate the Torah given to us on Shavuos.

IY"H soon. Until then, I'll keep thinking back to this past Shavuos when I put down my beloved gemara whose completion was put on hold, to hold instead my little pure and untainted "Sefer Torah" that so recently came from his mother's womb having learnt all of the Torah before entering our world (Niddah 30b). I wasn't going to wait for Simchas Torah. I wanted to dance with a Sefer Torah right then and there.

And so I did. In the middle of an ICU of a hospital on the outskirts of Yerushalayim ir ha'kodesh. There I danced with all of my heart with a Sefer Torah named Tzaddikel.

We danced round and round in circles

As if the world had done no wrong

From evening until morning

Filling up the ICU with song

Though we had no sifrei torah

To gather in our arms

In their place I held a child, a tzaddikel

The Jewish people would live on

Thank you, HaKB"H, for the greatest Shavuos of my life. And thank you, all of the chashuv mispalellim for Tinok ben Aviva, for getting him where he is today and IY"H bringing him ever closer each day to a refuah shi'leima bi'soch sha'ar cholei Yisroel. We're really looking forward to Simchas Torah. Please join us in Yerushalayim.

Abie Rotenberg closes a different song on the same CD with the following words (about HaKB"H):

With but one word He can and will

Return us to our land

And how His love was always there

We then will understand

Why wait until then? Just open your dear eyes, heilig yidden, and you'll certainly see: HaKB"H never stops loving us, and incredibly and immeasurably so, for even a second. Far more than any dedicated parent could ever love a child. Let's do our best to appreciate that infinite love by doing our utmost to love, learn, and cherish His infinite Torah. And all the precious "sifrei Torah" he has endowed us with…

Thanks so much for taking the time. I was moved and inspired and wanted to share some of that inspiration. A brief medical update will be forthcoming IY"H. (But in a nutshell: Tzaddikel is now out of the ICU, B"H, but still in the hospital receiving, and also awaiting, certain treatments, and Rachamei Shamayim are still needed-- so please keep those fervent tefillos unabated.

May we only share in simchas and besoros tovos tamid.

Kol Tuv and much hakaras ha'tov, once again, for everything,

Eytan Feiner